A Total Fashion Idiot’s Guide to Resort 2020 Runway Looks



Sometimes, when I’m at my day job, I pull up Vogue’s runway slideshows and look at the runways. This is because I like looking at clothes, and because I work a service desk. And also, ADD. So I have to distract myself, to keep myself from getting too distracted, so that I stay in place and look happy and available to all the lovely people who come to my library. The point is is that I spend a lot of time looking at runways.

On the other hand, I know almost nothing about fashion. I know what I like, which I guess is a nice start. I know what I don’t like. And I like making clothes, so I can throw around terms like “princess seams” and “horsehair braid hem.” But when it comes to Fashion and the History of Fashion, I’m pretty much an idiot.

But maybe that’s more fun? I don’t know. The point is, I’m going to share some of the looks I love and hate from the Resort 2020 slate of runways. If you want me to explain what “Resort” means, I can’t, sorry. Other types of runway include Spring/Summer, Fall, Winter, and Bridal, so I guess…Resort is a kind of occasion? Maybe it’s supposed to be vacation wear? It doesn’t look like vacation wear. I just don’t know, guys.

Chanel

Chanel is a name I know!

I like the bow, but the idea of a below-the-knee cardigan is not one I can get behind.

Another thing I don’t understand: why some of the looks are at least approaching normal, when the rest are cuckoo bananas. This is kind of nice! I could see myself feeling like a million bucks in that jacket.

I still don’t get why fanny packs have come back as these weird shoulder bags. Just admit to yourself that it’s a fanny pack and wear it as such!!!

It’s a cute fanny pack though. The rest is kind of boring.

I’m literally telling the truth here: My only brush with Fashion was as an eighteen-month-old, when I got to model baby clothes at a local mall. My outfit looked exactly like this.

UPDATE 5/16/19: I found evidence of my baby modeling career!

 

(I’m the fat baby on the left; the skinny one is my twin sister.) I was adorable, and not only am I giving strong Chanel vibes, it looks almost exactly like a Prada outfit that’s featured further down the article. I’ve secretly been a fashion maven this whole time!!!

 

This is actually cute! I would definitely wear this to a Resort. Or at least a night out at PF Chang’s.

I work at a public library, so this gives me major The Clique and Pretty Little Liars vibes. Which I kind of like??? I’m weak for self-possessed mean girls, IDK.

You get the idea. Most of it was super boring.

Prada

I don’t think I….get Prada? I hated pretty much everything. Here is an example of what they fielded for this collection:

From what little I understand of Prada, visual mess is kind of their thing, but…it kind of feels to me like it’s the rich people equivalent of Goodwill fashion. Like they want to look like they picked out fun pieces and have a sense of style, but they don’t, and also they need all their stuff to be expensive so that they can stay in the country club. So they pay Prada to have a personality for them.

This I did like. This is a look, Prada! Not a series of stupid choices you’re making for other people.

Our Legacy

I hate it so much that I love it. Wearing mosquito netting over your inside-out jeans is incredible.

This has got really confident queer vibes, which I am into. You don’t need to own a clean shirt if you’ve got a clean sweater and a whole-ass leather jacket. And when you’ve got such a foolproof stain deflector protecting those jeans!!!

I can see Squirrel Girl wearing this, because she could use a jacket where her costume’s logo is still visible but she can still easily get at her trail mix.

There were a lot of lady nips in this collection, which is awkward for my purposes (of looking at runway collections at a computer at a public library).

Christian Dior

Dior has 114 stupid looks.

Dior’s at least using textures that don’t make me feel like a grandmother. Who knows what occasion you can actually wear this to, but the silhouette is super cute!!!

Wait…is this collection literally just rugs from that one store on the side of the interstate turned into fashion?

Either that or “my mission trip to Africa!!! Going to build a hospital!!! #Godblessthismess”

This is the worst. Camo is boring, knee-length raincoats are also boring. Combining them, putting them on a black model, and slapping your name across the front does not make them interesting.

“Mission trip to Africa, but make it warlord fashion!”

Did the carpet store sponsor the mission trip?

No shade on this, it’s actually really good. More capes for women!!!

So, in all seriousness, these collections keep trying to imitate the kind of style that comes naturally to teens and queer people. I get it, but the imitations pale by virtue of being imitations. See: Prada and these brands letting rich people feel like they have the fashion sense of an innovative teen in NYC.

I actually do know that this is a hat-tip to Dior’s iconic New Look from the 50s, and I like it. Remixing your own brand is fun (probably).

Louis Vuitton

YES. YES. GIVE ME BLADE RUNNER BUT LIKE, RUNNING ON MY ERRANDS LOOK. YES.

It’s a visual mess, but it’s a fun mess! I was searching my mind for a moment to try to explain why this is not garbage like Prada, and I think it comes down to the fact that the jacket is two different jackets, but those two different jackets are split by that lace border there–it makes the mashup feel more intentional??? Does that make sense?

It’s very Fifth Element and good from the neck-up. Just-above-the-knee shorts and combat boots just put me in mind of the Ip Man movies, where 90% of the bad guys are the British colonial police force, who have these dumb pants and boots, but in khaki.

This weird wing thing that’s going on is fun! She legit looks like a bumblebee tho

These are much better. These looks say “I’m a detective in the NYPD in 2055 and I won’t play by your rules!”

Business suit, but when you need your business suit to scream I HAVE BLACKMAIL MATERIAL ON ALL OF YOU.

This one is bad. The color is really bothering me for some reason.

This look is incredible. Cate Blanchett needs to be sent a crate full of these shirts, she would look great.

I choose to believe that I would look great in this.

The gathered shoulders into floral gloves is a very, very good look, and this model gets extra credit for nailing the Blade Runner “I’m sad that I’m a robot and also because I’m an ingenue in a noir and therefore must be kind of sad” facial expression.

In Conclusion

I am in no way qualified to comment on fashion, but I had fun doing it!!! I definitely prefer brands that just seem to be invested in doing Weird New Stuff, and Prada is bad. Louis Vuitton has actually remembered that 2019 is the year of Blade Runner, and therefore wins.

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